Tell me what to bring and when to leave.Ĥ. Tell me when you want to be alone, and when you want company.ĥ. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.ģ. We asked Pogrebin to tell us five things to say - and five things never to say - to someone who's ailing. For my coworker, an offer to take her children to the movies or to dinner so she could stay with her mother would have been much more meaningful than an awkward sickroom visit. Offer to do what you can "in ways that feel manageable to you," such as picking up groceries, taking the dog for a walk or stopping by just once a week to say hello.Īnd if visiting a hospital or hospice makes you uncomfortable, find other ways to express your concern. If you feel as if you've reached your emotional limit, don't feel bad about taking some time to recharge, she says. The social worker also acknowledges that, especially as we age, "it can sometimes feel like life is a never-ending series of losses and we just can't face one more." Kosminsky, who counsels patients at the Center for Hope in Darien, Conn., agrees with Pogrebin that often a simple, heartfelt "I'm so sorry" is the best way to express your sympathy without demeaning what the other person is going through. Illness and death are also reminders of how little control we have over the things in life that are the most precious to us - our health and the health of those we love, says Phyllis Kosminsky, Ph.D., a clinical social worker who specializes in helping people deal with difficult issues like life-threatening illness and grief. To the sick person, though, it merely sounds dismissive. We fall back on clichés like "I'm sure you'll be fine," because they let us distance ourselves from our discomfort. So why do people find it so hard to know what to say to the sick or dying (or to their family)? Pogrebin says so many of us are awkward around those who are ailing "because they arouse our own sense of vulnerability and mortality." "Then suggest a few things you think might be helpful that you are actually willing to do." "It's OK to say, 'What can I do to help?' as long as you follow it with something like, 'I'm not just saying it, I really mean it,'" Pogrebin says. She also offers some alternatives to that knee-jerk phrase, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," which puts the burden on the patient or the family to ask for needed assistance, something they may be embarrassed to do. She writes about how to show compassion to someone with Alzheimer's, to those with a terminal illness, and - in a chapter titled "As Bad as It Gets" - to parents who've lost a child to a disease. Pogrebin casts a wide net in her book, offering suggestions for a number of tough situations, including how to remember which friend has what health problem - an increasingly common occurrence for those in her seventysomething age group. The don't-say-this examples in her book range from flinch-worthy reactions to a diagnosis - "Wow! A girl in my office just died of that!" - to empty platitudes like "Maybe it happened for the best" and "God only gives you what you can handle." During the long stretches in the hospital waiting room, she began talking to other patients, swapping anecdotes and eventually soliciting their advice about what to say - and what not to say - to someone who's seriously ill. The veteran journalist and author has heard it all, mostly thanks to her own stint as a breast cancer patient in 2009. None of this surprises Letty Cottin Pogrebin, 73, author of How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick. Now it's time to let go and be with God." My coworker has an even better one: On her mother's second day in hospice, an acquaintance from church came to visit, plopped herself in a chair next to the bed and announced to her mother, "Well, you've had a great life. Do you think you could look at it later and help me?" (I am not making this up.)Īnd I still remember the shock I felt several years ago after my 8-year-old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and a friend actually said to me, "Well, everything happens for a reason." (Really? This is supposed to make me feel better?) How do you console a friend who is ailing or grieving?Īfter my mother suddenly became ill and passed away last year, a woman she considered a close friend came up to my father right before the funeral service and said, "I've been having trouble downloading books on my Kindle.
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